Beginning Again

Mar 30, 2013 | Nepal, Transformation


Meeting with Neel to discuss plans for the orphanage


This life I lead, its cyclical nature of comings and goings…it can be hard on relationships and friendships, on my body, on my time, on my work, on my practices. It pulls me out of my routines of running, yoga, meditation. It pulls me away from clients, friends, weddings, children. It splits my attention and my energy and my resources across worlds. After two months in San Francisco, I’m acutely aware of all this, but I’m also aware of the benefits.


This life I lead, its cyclical nature of comings and affords a regular practice of setting intention, seeking closure, reflection and renewal. I am so grateful for this, especially right now. I show up in the US and think, “What do I want to accomplish in the next 2 (or 5) months?” As the end of that time nears, I check in to see if I’ve done at least those few things.  It pushes me to accomplish what is important to me, whether it’s balancing in handstand, securing a new business client, knitting a scarf, letting my heart heal, being more diligent in my meditation and yoga practices, or giving myself space to accomplish less and do a little bit of reading, sleeping, and nothing. (All of these happened in the last 2 months–except the handstand, but I’m close!) As I “wrap up” my life here or there, again and again, I’m taking stock, reflecting, and starting over again…and again…and again.


My boyfriend and I separated this winter after two years together. It’s been painful and sad. Our lives aren’t going the same direction–but realizing that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone. Breaking up is messy, even when you both do it fairly well, with kindness and respect. It’s a mess of emotions and transitions, sweetness and tears, loneliness and freedom.


I left for Nepal finally reaching some closure with the breakup and spent the first few days in Kathmandu in a serendipitous existence. An old and beloved friend surfaced unexpectedly in a coffee shop, I sit in the sun on the whitewashed stupa of Bouddha and talk life lessons with a monk I know, a French yogi I’ve long wanted to study with teaches a last minute class on yoga philosophy and breathing meditation the one weekend I’m in Kathmandu, my non-profit partners are moving projects forward with success and our support, a new client in the US is secured for my return, an Australian spiritual teacher and friend shares deeply about her professional and personal work inspiring me to pursue mine, a Dutch friend I feel close to connects me to yogis and old friends and delicious dinners, the list seems to go on and on. I feel so easy suddenly.


I’m beginning again, in love, in work, in the US, in Nepal, again and again. Having these finite periods in my life causes me some strain to be sure, but these cycles also pull me forward, renew my excitement and appreciation, give me pause to notice just what has happened and where I am going, allow me space to shift course and reset, motivate me to live in my power, and brighten my world. Right now, I’m thankful not only for the forced change (which is not the uncertainty often associated with change, but rather the transition to a different familiar), but also for the benefits: attention, focus, joy, a sense of accomplishment, freedom, peace, lightness, an urgency for completion, a pause for reflection, and a renewal to begin again.

Now I’m ready. Just in time. Two big groups for Everest Base Camp. Back to the Himalayas.